I am thinking about suicide

Don't kill yourself. You need to stay alive to see Trump in prison or dead from a stroke. See if you can get your meds adjusted and hopefully you'll feel better. Good luck!

All right, I’ll do it.

Miss, with all due respect, I have problems of my own. I do not have time to accommodate anyone else’s. My sister is suffering from HIV right now. Does anyone care about my problems? Some people can be so damn selfish. If you continue to contact me with your problems, you will be reported.

Have a great day!

Are you the same poster from Toronto who's partner is an alkie?

You’re looking for support from DL? Oy vey!

OP, this is not the forum for you as you know we are all snarky snakes. Please take care of yourself.

OP, always remember one thing. No matter how bad you think you have it, there are hordes of people who have it worse. You have a roof over your head, you have an income coming in that I assume provides sufficiently for your needs, maybe not luxurious, but adequate. And trust me on one thing, things will get better. if you are a good person things will eventually get better for you. Suicide is no solution, as it's a selfish act. You won't feel any relief if you kill yourself because you won't be around to realize it. And think of what it will do to the people who care for you. Do you want to leave your partner with the memory that you took your own life?

Just hang tight and things will look up sooner or later and you'll look back on this time and say to yourself "I'm so glad I didn't kill myself".

Seek medical help, OP. Things will get better. Big hugs

Posting ideation online is a great way to win a grippy sock vacation.

Can we have your stuff?

What r1 said. You need to outlive the orange one. Let that keep you going.

It sounds bleak the way you put it. The way I'd put it is, "I am fortunate enough to have a partner who understands first-hand the stresses of disability & disability assistance." You are young enough that there's time for improvements and adjustments for treatment for your bipolarity. If you continue feeling suicidal, go to the emergency room.

What R1 said. You never know when things will get better unless you hang in there and give it a chance

Plus, you've got us!

I am not OP but weirdly I have had intense suicidal ideations for the last month. The worst ever in my life. My rational mind has been overtaken by a flood of dread that my life will never be better. I have no material wants but I am extremely dissatisfied with every aspect of my life. My antidepressants have stopped working. I am exhausted by life.

"OP, always remember one thing. No matter how bad you think you have it, there are hordes of people who have it worse."

I hate this sentiment. Most of us realize there are people out there who have it worse than we do, however it doesn't diminish what we are going through and struggling with.

Just remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Bi polar is a hard thing to live with but I hope you are getting some help for it. As the saying goes, mental illness is not your fault but it is your responsibility. It sounds like maybe this is your mental illness speaking at the moment. Just realize that because you do have this, it lies to you. In fact, every person who suffers from mental illness needs to understand that your "mind" often lies to you. I struggled with depression for years and an overall feeling of not being "worth" anything and it took EMDR therapy to finally help with that. I suggest you look into EMDR near you or even online as there are a lot of resources and apps for it.

I totally understand that suicide feels like a good way out of whatever you are hurting from. But know that this life is fleeting and one day, it will end and along with it goes our suffering. There is no need to speed this up by offing yourself. We are so tiny in the grand scheme of things and our problems feel SO big but really, we are small compared to the universe. We are the universe btw and we get to live this one life to experience all that it has to offer...to know love, to lose love, to grow as human beings. Try living only in this moment. When you start to feel down, reach out and touch something near you that is here now that will bring you back to the here and now. Start labeling your thoughts when you notice them..."fear," "anger," "doubt," etc. Something about being able to do that will make you realize there is a part of you that is separate from your thoughts and that's the part of you that is real. Our thoughts come and go, like waves on a shore and once you can step back and label them and then watch them go, you will start being present.

Hang in there, OP. Life isn't about always feeling good or happy. It's often just about experiences.

OP, are you non-religious?

[quote] Most of us realize there are people out there who have it worse than we do, however it doesn't diminish what we are going through and struggling with.

I think it absolutely diminishes it. I hate when people are ungrateful for all that they have that other people don’t. If anything, people who are not the worst off should be out helping those who are, instead of focusing on themselves.

Tell me you've never suffered from mental illness without telling me you've never suffered from mental illness, r16.

But it bruises Yahweh’s fragile ego if you exit his pain machine early.

Thank you, R14. Anyone who pulls that "stop pitying yourself" card has probably never been through anything like OP is dealing with. It's on par with "You should do volunteer work!"

OP sorry to hear you are going through a difficult period. Are you taking your prescribed medications? Also, are you eating a proper healthy diet, because not having a diverse microbiome can effect your overall immunity and mental faculties, and can be a contributing factor to your condition.

In “As I Lay Dying,” Faulkner has one of his characters, speaking from beyond the grave, say, “I could remember my father saying, the reason for living was to get ready to stay dead for a long time.” I remember reading that when I was 17 and thinking that, morose as it sounds, there was some to it. We’re all going to stay dead for a long time. Unless the pain of living is intractable, why hurry into eternity? We just don’t know what may lie ahead, for better or worse. If I had acted on suicidal ideations in my twenties or early thirties, I would have missed out on close to thirties with a wonderful man, the true love of my life. I don’t suppose the earth would have stoped revolving, but I would have missed out on some joyful experiences. That he is descending into dementia now, while it breaks my heart, doesn’t negate that—and what you are going through now—even if seems to stretch through endless time, won’t last forever. Hang around—see what happens.

OP, are you me? I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone in your feelings of hopelessness. Sending you hugs from across the miles. I'll gladly be your friend.

OP, please call 988 right away if you're feeling this way. Sending you hugs and strength.

Hang in there, OP- we care.

[quote] It's on par with "You should do volunteer work!"

There are a lot of people who do volunteer work because they realize they need to turn the focus off themselves and how they’re feeling and turn it onto other people.

What helps me when I go to sleep at night with a depressive mind ....I sing the low voice cover from Mariah Carey of Stevie wonders song: we can conquer the woooooorld It will stay you alwayyhahyys allwayhehehes

[quote]Plus, you've got us!

That's true, OP. Think how lucky you are!

Your partner needs you. Stick around for him. You have someone to live for.

[quote]Please don’t say cruel things,

Well, since you asked, I'll overlook the comma instead of a period. However, to get back to the issue at hand, you type fat, so hanging is out of the question. And you'd break the oven door.

How many floors up do you live? Near a subway system? Railroad tracks? High bridge?

You have to choose a method where you can't back out at the last moment.

Please look into Open Path Collective and talk to a therapist. They specialize in low cost therapy and will match you with a provider who accepts payment on a sliding scale. It is based on the honor system and you do not have to provide any verification. I love my therapist and Open Path made it possible for me to get help.

Ash fur poosheesh, shweeetie. You gawt thish.

A couple of things. True story….I was a facilitator running a group therapy session. One of the patients said they attempted suicide and had an out of body experience. They watched as they were found and EMS worked to save them. To their horror they realized that, . “I felt the same way but now I realized I couldn’t do anything about it. I will never attempt suicide again”. Also, if you’ve ever heard of the book “The Bridge”, it’s about the few who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Every one of them said after they jumped they regretted it, but it was too late. Good luck to you.

R13, if you feel yr meds aren't working wouldn't it be wise to revisit your Doctor to talk things thru'? Thinking of you and please take care.

I read this thread earlier today, and now my FB page has ads like "speak with a therapist online". WTF?

Cry out to God and ask Him for help.

Which god, r35?

R36 It doesn't matter. Which brand of band-aid do you buy?

Hello OP. Please know that you are valued, you don't know who you may have made a difference to, who you may cheer up or help, even some small things that you do may brighten or better someone else's world. You obviously matter to your partner. We all have flaws, but we keep going. Take it one breath and one moment at a time. Try to get through the day and think of one thing you learned that you didn't know, one positive thing for the day - it could be a meal, a pet, a personal exchange, something you saw that was funny or beautiful. Life can be tough but its moments of worth can be spectacular. Don't miss out on them before your time is due. You can do this, you can heal. It may not be perfection but it could be something worthwhile if you get help. Sending you my best,

At least you have a partner. Do you care about him? Does he care about you? If either answer is 'yes', don't kill yourself.

[quote] [R13], if you feel yr meds aren't working wouldn't it be wise to revisit your Doctor to talk things thru'? Thinking of you and please take care.

Yes, that would be wise. However, I've been talking to doctor(s) and adjusting meds for the last 12 years. At best, it works temporarily then onto something else and the waiting weeks or months for it to kick in. In the meantime, I feel like I'm already in hell. Everyone has their cross to bear...until they are crucified on it.

OP. You may think things are bleak, but you have so much more than most of the people in the world. You have food, shelter, clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have a partner. You may mot think your life is great, but it’s better than you realize.

One of the best things a therapist ever told me was "Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it is bad." I hope your medical team will be able to help you reach happiness, which you deserve.

Call 988

Take a nice soothing bath with Epsom salts

Apply Clinique Moisture Surge overnight mask

Drink 12oz filtered ice water

Call 988 ☎️

OP, honestly everyone is feeling kinda odd and low these days. You need to step back and think, Am I thinking straight or am I ill? Often, we beat ourselves up, not because of our situation, but because we're doing nothing about it to help ourselves, so going to your GP, or even phoning a helpline will ease that annoying feeling that you're being lazy and not helping yourself. Do something like write a lost of all the classic movies u need to see..and then just enjoy them. Get out in nature, don't wait to want to do things. Even pretend smiling can trick your brain into thinking your happy. I've been where u are, and believe me, when ur this low, you've nothing to lose by just doing the stuff u want. And theres no hurry to do what ur thinking of doing...go crazy with life first. Big hugs. 😘

Call 988 please. I’ve been there and I’m glad I held on.

OP, please hang on.

You don't want to kill yourself. you want to kill something inside of you, but its not you. There are other ways to kill it, and it's going to suck and take a lot of sacrifice, but nothing compared to the cost of losing everything the future might bring. It can be different than this, and you can't believe that now, but you have to trust that life doesn't have to feel like this if you make the right changes.

OP, sending love to you, r13, and anyone else struggling.

R13, have your doctors ever recommended other treatments in conjunction with daily meds? ECT, TMS, psychedelics, Ketamine? Have you ever had a sleep study/consulted a neurologist? Narcolepsy is one of many conditions that often goes undiagnosed for years as it is mistaken for depression.

How thorough are your medicals? I know someone who was struggling on every level and when they finally saw a shrink who knew their stuff, was recommended to get a full medical. The medical examination uncovered a few ongoing skin issues which were odd. Further investigation let to a diagnosis of Crohn's Disease.

OP, r13, anyone else struggling: Please hang in there, please see your shrink or get a better one if your current one is not for you.

It takes a lot of bravery to open up on a forum like this.

Well I was suicidal and there's this one meme that my friend sent to me that kept me alive and the meme says "The world would be a better place without me. That's why I gotta keep living."

OP, if you’re looking to get your head above water. Do anything productive. Anything at all. Make your bed. Go for a walk. Do a little bit of work. Those tiny senses of accomplishment of you doing the right thing can literally save your life. If your friends aren’t willing to be there for you, then you deserve better.

Have you considered adopting a pet? Besides the joy they bring, you may find yourself unable to do anything drastic when you have an innocent animal dependent on you*.

(* this advice does not apply to Kristi Noem)

Hope you get help and seeking professional help, OP. Live can be a bitch and have rough paths, no matter how much or how little you have. R50 gives good advice. It may sound trite but a walk get do wonders. If momentary. Best wishes

OP, what will happen tomorrow? You might miss it. Aren't you curious about the future? Even if your life sucks, maybe you'll live to see another amazing human achievement. We might walk on Mars.

Your life is so rare. Most Matter in the universe will never get to breathe, think, or contemplate suicide. Every breath you take is a miracle. You get to experience the universe, one moment at a time.

This isn't to say "be grateful for what you got".

Fuck that.

As a depressed person, what gets me going is FOMO. Tomorrow could be better. When I am in my darkest moments, it is the absence of hope for better days that keeps me down. That is a lack of imagination. The future will be different, maybe not better, but certainly interesting. Stay here and see what happens.

OP go to the closest campus and protest in support of Palestine with the local college kids. You’ll feel part of something bigger.

[Quote] My rational mind has been overtaken by a flood of dread that my life will never be better.

It never will be. Boo fucking hoo! Who promised you life would be a bowl of cherries. Life sucks and then you die. Get comfortable with that!

I'm actually proud of u lot trying to help. DL does have a heart, and its beating. OP, I always think, ,"I've been here b4 and it got better". Plus as u said above, there's no hurry to do what u plan to do. Talk to your partner. Give yourself 6 months or a year...maybe write on ur other social media about how you feel...or open a Facebook forum about lonliness or suicide (there may be one already). Just do something, anything out of the ordinary. x

Please don’t let yourself rationalize it. The more you think about it, the more comfortable you become with killing yourself (and you won’t even notice it). Don’t try to solve your issues by yourself. Your mind can become an echo-chamber that can lead to some very dangerous thoughts. Try to find someone you can 100% trust and let them help you, because they want what’s best for you. R30 offered a great resource, please take advantage.

Youre going to have to show us your dick before we give advice on what to do.

I am so grateful for the kind words and suggestions some of you have written. I have copied your remarks into my diary so that I can easily refer to them.

Today, what set me off was speaking to a financial adviser and finding how minuscule the amount I would get when I turn 65. It is extremely likely I will become homeless. I was absolutely shocked and devastated to go through the numbers with her. I was just panic striken.

My partner and I have a terrible relationship and when I told him, he did his usual thing of denying any incoming information and said that the woman didn’t know what she was talking about, which she certainly did. He then marched into his room and has been silent since. He doesn’t give a shit if I am dead or alive, so he is no reason to hang on.

I am so afraid of poverty. People are further and further ahead in my field, knowing all kinds of computer programs and having more and more degrees. I can’t catch up. I can’t afford classes to learn these things,

Anyway, thank you so much for the kindness of many of you. I wish I could thank you in person. I have preserved your words and ideas.

open a Go Fund me account. Honestly, all those people, after ur dead, who all say, I wish I'd seen the signs, I wid ⁸have helped. Be brutally honest and say what ur feeling....money can improve your life. What have you got to love...some do Golders love to help.

Everyone has been there at some point, OP. You’re not alone and in big company. Many people have it worse than you too. You’re in America and living comfortably. Thank god you’re not in some 3rd world shithole.

You made it through the AIDS crises, after being at peak hotness during the peak of the epidemic. You’re lucky to be alive. So many who died wished they could be here in your shoes, with a shitty partner and SSI, the whole deal… they’d take it and live everyday to the fullest. Count your blessings.

R61 Thanks for checking in OP. Nothing to add other than you are not alone. I left the grocery store today because I started crying after I saw a canister of quick oats was 7.99.

I can't afford it. I'm in my 50s. I’m right there with you, friend.

It is so scary, how expensive food is now, R65. I wish I could give you a hug. Are you working now, R65?

Fight that shit every day or else it becomes a vicious cycle. Don’t let this fucking world win.

I know you said you are on disability. Being in pain every day doesn’t help anything. Joining a gym and lifting weights does wonders for both my depression and my chronic pain.

Go see a show or a movie. Go walk around outside and get some sun. Live in the moment and focus on things you enjoy.

The internet can easily become a bummerfest too. Sometimes it helps to log off and spend some time with a book, or out in nature. Sun and air are magic.

Stay strong, friend.

And your Thank You, to us, made me feel happier, so u cheered me up. No hasty decisions. I wish I could help more...but allowing yourself to be more selfish and do some things u like, guilty free will help. We are not on this big blue rock hurtling through space to worry about paperwork. Plus with some jiggling about, ur finances may not be as bad as that initial shock. ps. 52 is very young.....maybe leave your partner. Believe me, daddies are in, big time... 😘 Its just today's shock that spiralled you. Look what You managed to do, make DL empathetic ...use those superpowers for good.

I'm so sorry, OP. I wish I could do something to help you.

I know when they stopped making my anti-depressants for about a year, going without them was a nightmare. But one thing I tried that helped me a bit was walking. I know you said you're disabled and I don't know what you're physically able to do, but I started walking every day and my neighborhood was so incredibly filthy that I adopted a road and started picking up trash (I have an official sign and everything!) So not only did I clean up my neighborhood, eventually I got to know all my neighbors, and I actually have people who see me every day as they drive past me and blow their horns and wave and smile like I'm Santa Claus! It's incredibly uplifting, and since I don't actually know these people I don't get into fights with them about Trump or anything else. It's just simple human contact -- a wave and a smile.

Sometimes, that all it takes.

Good luck, OP.

OP The economy is shit. But working for other people is shit, too. Do what I did, become your own boss. Hire yourself to do whatever it is you are good at by creating a business selling that thing. Outsource the rest.

If that doesn't feel right, live in a tent and grow weed in the woods. Sell it to hikers. Get creative.

You are suffering from the oppression of expectations. The world seems to have written out a script for what life is supposed to be like, and when bright, creative people don't fit that mold they get depressed and do things like not get jobs made for robots.

If you are in the US, you can go to a Goodwill job center, get food stamps, etc.

Try to think of it as not having to deal with the rat race's bullshit, instead of being a failure. It's really difficult to starve to death in the 1st world. Hell, you have internet, so you can at least do Amazon Mechanical Turk, buy stuff at thrift stores and sell it on ebay, pimp yourself out on fiver, etc. Be creative!

Take it from me, I got a degree in art. That's about as useless as it gets when it comes to getting hired. But there is always something out there if you just let the universe guide you and think about what you really want. Most people out there feel trapped by a 50 hour a week job, wish they hadn't made the commitments they had so that they could roam the world free as a bird.

I'm not saying that you don't have it bad, it sucks to have less financial security for your future than you think you did. All I'm saying is that it is very easy to live for a few dollars a day in industrialized nations, and a few dollars a day is easy to come by if you think outside of the box.

Good luck, I am rooting for you.

“DIY? More like DYI, do yourself in!”

OP? There are a number of food banks in my area, and a lot of people here are in the same position as you are financially. Food banks are happy to help. There are even food banks that deliver. As you get older, there will be Meals on Wheels.

For the amount of education I have, I'm practically destitute. I always tell people I'm the poorest well-educated person I've ever met.

But today, I'm OK. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a dog that loves me. I'll worry about what happens when it happens. Until then, I'm OK.

Please check in with us here and let us know you're OK. Feel better soon!

[quote]I can’t afford classes to learn these things,

I bet you already know how to suck cock.

OP, you said you were frightened when you realized how little SS would be for you. Find someone (your doctor, psychiatrist, social worker, church if you attend) to assist you in applying for permanent disability benefits if you have not already done that, or at least look into what will be available to you.. I don't know where you live, but most cities and larger communities have agencies which help people struggling in your situation from therapy groups to transport to in home help, to meal assistance. If your partner is uncaring, don't hurt yourself by focusing on that.

I have been through some rough times, therapy helped somewhat as did anti depressants. One thing that stuck with me - when recounting how hopeless I felt ,how defeated a social worker told me. Think this to yourself, this is where you are, tell yourself it is only for now. Now can be a week or years, but it will change.

OP, spend what energy you can summon to seek support from those mentioned above. Stop punishing yourself with your real pain, just do what you can to help yourself. Your life matters.

Effie, we all got pain!!

Look at all the replies, OP. People care about you.

I don't know you, but let me be honest

Suicide is SELFISH. You think this will solve your problems, but you are just creating problems and hurt for everyone else: Your partner, your friends, and your distant family.

Have you thought about joining an open and affirming church or book club? I will even give you my personal email. We can Zoom and I will be your friend.

[quote]Today, what set me off was speaking to a financial adviser and finding how minuscule the amount I would get when I turn 65. It is extremely likely I will become homeless. I was absolutely shocked and devastated to go through the numbers with her. I was just panic stricken.

Suicidal or not, the best thing people in that situation can do, if it's too late to help themselves, is to help other people not make the same mistakes and bad life choices. Even if it were only one person, it would be a great kindness to make sure they don't end up in the same boat as you.

I’ve always hated the saying “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Too simplistic.

Not suggesting OP should give up hope, but some problems are NOT temporary, like living with a disability.

Hope that things improve for you, OP, but bullshit lines about “permanent solutions to temporary problems” aren’t helpful.

Why is OP washed out with line through it? Yet people are responding? ( still new here)

R80, it wasn't like that when a lot of us responded. Not sure why the opening post got FF'd.

Re: R80: Probably too many twee posters triggered that OP didn't use the word "unalive" instead of "suicide" so they thought, instead of just moving along and minding their business they'd throw a tanty and FF or hide his thread.

Basically, they were tender to the touch.

OP you know very well that we can offer you kind words but not help. And help is what you need. If your partner is already on disability you can find social services to help you whether it is therapy or food. I know it's not easy I've been there myself. But you have no choice.

I didn’t FF OP, but I understand why people judged the thread and its subject to be inappropriate for the site.

Jump! Jump! Your life is shit, do it now! Nobody cares, suicide is ALWAYS the answer.

I woke up this morning so scared about the financial situation I feel like I am going to vomit.

'night, mother!

Holy shit, the OP IS MURIEL! It's coming from inside the website.

I have never seen so many verbalizing threatening or wanting suicide as I have found at DL.

That said a lot of people are not and will not be prepared for the future or retirement. But at 52 you at least have some time if you make good use of that time.

If being the important word

Gurl. Call the hotline, talk to your doctor (or get a doctor and then talk to the doctor), contact your nearest local LG+. community center.

Coming here with the condition you cite is like going to hell for treatment for third-degree bones.

And if you didn't find that funny, call, talk with, or contact them immediately.

Running to death for fear of ... death? Surely you're being duped.

Are you a paying member, OP?

If so, please, don't do it!

OP, if you haven’t been there, Reddit has all types of categories that might offer various solutions or at least support.

You can look in the sub /bipolar where people talk about not being able to work a 9-5, but do discuss types of work that might be suitable. They tell people about how to get more benefits.

If your partner was the one mentioned on another post months about alcoholism (forgive if not) you can look for an Alanon sub.

There is one called /Frugal where people share pretty interesting advice about living and eating on the cheap.

Financial issues can really weigh on people and interrupt sleep, etc. Right now you aren’t homeless and there is time, hope and strategies to improve your prospects.

give OP some stock tips!

do you even have Roth IRA? where you can invest tax free?

AI is all the rage right now. I wonder if it's already too late to get in.

To all, If anything is crossed out, readjust your settings . Mine keeps resetting toward “delicate flower”, adjusting them restores freshness.

"OP, always remember one thing. No matter how bad you think you have it, there are hordes of people who have it worse." This is such a stupid line that people keep saying to depressed people. I know they mean well, but how would that help us exactly? If anything, it just makes it worse. Our own problems are always bigger and more important to us than someone else's problems. Knowing that there are kids dying from aids or starvation in Africa is not going to magically make a depressed person happy. It will just make them even more depressed.

Once I was sad because I had no feets, and then I met a girl who had no shoes, so I took off my shirt and gave it to her.

[quote] Our own problems are always bigger and more important to us than someone else's problems.

That’s the problem that people trying to help you have to address first, so that you understand that you have it pretty good compared to others.

R99 That's just not how a human brain functions. Especially not the brain of a depressive person.

If OP were smart, he would be offended by even being born. Existence is so slimy and inelegant.

can i have all your stuff if you do kill yourself?

You know people are serious about doing something about suicide when they decide to'post on DL rather than call a suicide hotline

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Don’t do it, spend all your time and energy on changing things and improving your life.

[quote] Please don’t say cruel things

Honey, I hate to break it to you, but the DL may not be a very good cruelty free space......

R98 Jerri Blank, is that you?

take it one day at a time...

do one small thing everyday to improve your life...

it will get easier.

If this helps, people who have tried to commit suicide and failed said they were sorry the instant they went for it but were extremely fortunate to have not succeeded. We see things as hopeless until that last second when we are ready to end it and realize we really don't want to. You need to look for that tiny thing that keeps your flame of hope going and work on it until it becomes a regular size flame. Find one thing a day that you are thankful for no matter how small.

R107

“It will get easier”

Never said seriously by anyone in their 70s. It almost always gets worse. Until it gets a lot worse. Most seniors in their 70s are wondering——how should I do it where it won’t hurt and not leave a big mess.

We need to be honest with people.

"It will get easier" = "I want you alive to support the economic system that benefits me"

How are you today OP?

A glance of OP's posting history suggests he starts about 80 percent of the threads on DL.

[quote] You know people are serious about doing something about suicide when they decide to'post on DL rather than call a suicide hotline

The folks on the other end of that suicide line have even less insight than the typical DL-er and often want to pray with you.